


Looking for answers

by ajproctor



Category: Joan Ferguson - Fandom, Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajproctor/pseuds/ajproctor
Summary: Years have passed since Joan and Vera went their separate ways. Grace is now an adult. When Vera dies, Grace finds a diary describing the details of a relationship between herself and Joan Ferguson. Grace wants to find some answers from Joan.
Relationships: Freakytits, Vera Bennett/Joan Ferguson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter one

Grace clasped the diary close to her chest. She felt protective of it as she inhaled the dry draft of the apartment building. There was a flood of fresher air when the woman who must have been Joan Ferguson answered the door and looked down at the shorter girl. 

"Grace..." Joan breathed. Her eyes were inquisitive. Not analysing but full of wonder as if she was pleasantly surprised. She had been watching Grace over the years, from a distance. There was never a moment where she had wanted to pull herself away from Grace’s life and now that they were face to face, she felt like they had always been close. Plus when Vera had died, Joan had made extra sure to keep an eye on Grace, even it was from afar. Her death had left them both broken. 

Joan’s hair seemed greyer than Vera had described it, though it was fitting with how she’d imagined her in her last few years of contact with her. It went straight down though it was raggedy, as if she hadn’t taken much care of it lately, loose almost white strands brushing her face. The rest fell over her hefty shoulders like ivy. She was of full cheeks and soft features though her eyes were small and black with not much life left. Only the tint saved only for Vera’s daughter. 

It seemed Joan didn’t study her much in return. Grace frowned as it came to her that Joan was already familiar with her. 

"You... you know me?” Grace stuttered slightly. Joan looked panicked for a second but then nodded, looking down then back up.   
"Yes I um..." She held a fond gaze upon Grace for a second before opening her mouth, closing it then opening it again. "You look so much like your mother", she nearly whispered. It was as if she was trying to hold back tears. Grace smiled slightly but just couldn’t take her eyes off of Joan. She was so different to how her mum had written her yet she was still so intriguing. 

After Joan invited her inside, Grace watched her walk across the room. It was more spacious than Grace thought it would be. Very light and open, perhaps it was the lack of clutter unlike her own house but it was still homely. She glanced over at the goldfish swimming in its bowl.

"I went to the funeral". Joan said. It came out casually as she poured a couple of drinks, though her whole being was somewhat fidgety.   
"I mostly stayed at the back... I’m not exactly in your father’s good books". She smiled shyly this time. Then the serious look arose once more. She wasn’t wrong. Grace had asked both Jake and Will about this Joan Ferguson character. She had wanted to find answers but they had gotten angry with her at the very mention of Joan’s name.

"I paid my respects of course. Your mother meant a lot to me. I wanted to say goodbye... in a more private manner".   
Joan sat beside Grace who was trying to understand her the best she could. Though like Vera, that was a hard task. She was so cool about it all. Grace was sure there was a reason for that. She sort of wished Joan wasn’t so closed in. She wanted to know everything. 

"Does Jake know you are here?" Joan asked. Grace shook her head, she now being the one who didn’t quite know what to say. "They um... dad and Will, they called you all sorts of things.. told me I shouldn’t see you". Grace spoke at different paces, though she wasn’t nervous. She actually strangely felt quite comfortable. It was more of her not knowing how Joan would react to what they had said. She didn’t want to believe it after reading the diary. Joan had obviously meant a great deal to her mum as well. 

"I take it you mean Will Jackson". Joan drank a bit of her drink, her eyes going up with the glass. Grace nodded and looked down at her own drink. "Well I’m here. I wanted to see you". Joan looked curious at Grace’s reply. 

"I have an old diary of mums here". Grace started, wanting to see how Joan would look at it. She peered at what Grace was holding as she laid the diary out on her lap. She had wondered what they were. Grace looked at Joan for a second before handing it over to her. Joan blinked a couple of times and then grabbed a tissue, taking the diary with it round her hand and then wiping it. Grace was a little confused but brushed it off all the same.

Carefully opening the diary, Joan looked over the words, her finger gently trailing across Vera’s handwriting. Grace watched her and then peered over at the diary herself a little again. "Vera was never good with words", Joan smiled, letting out a small chuckle at how she managed to keep a diary. She then tilted her head, letting a little more of her hair fall into her face then moving it behind her ear. "But then I watched her grow into the woman that you always knew. It was beautiful to see". She said as she began to read the diary with full concentration. 

"Mum was a bit scared of you at first", Grace grinned. She was glad to see Joan grin too. "You know that’s not too hard to believe. I tend to scare the shit out of people, including Vera at times", Joan laughed. Grace watched her and shook her head, finding it surprising that this woman could be... a psychopath as her dad had told her. "No. You seem like a very nice, very kind woman", Grace said which made Joan smile. "Thank you", she answered with genuine eyes. 

They both looked back down at the diary. Joan then noticed Grace looking a little quizzical. "What happened between you two? I mean, she talks about falling in love with you all over again, even though she wasn’t sure if she had ever stopped. You got out of prison and you obviously tried to start a life together... but then it’s just.. blank. There’s pages left in here and there was nothing else in the house. She talked about you often and it was never out of anger, not like how dad talked about you. He never even mentioned you until I did. Mum used to say to me that when I found someone, she hoped it would be someone who loved and cared about me... as much as she did for you and you did for her". Grace gazed up at Joan who’s own eyes had become watery and still. 

There was a slight flinch from Joan as Grace put her hand on Joan’s shoulder but then she relaxed into it. "She loved you so much". Grace told her. Joan’s smile grew a little more and she nodded. "Yeah". She replied softly. She lifted her head from the diary to look at Grace. "And I loved her", she continued then sighed. "I still do".


	2. Chapter two

Crisp morning air had infiltrated Joan’s spine through the black coat as she stood behind the small gathering of people at the funeral. She could see Grace stood between Will and Jake, she wished it was her there to comfort her but she stayed unseen in the confines of the late season mist that crawled its way out of her mouth as she breathed, struggling not to break down right there in the trees she was hidden in. 

"Joan?" Grace spoke gently, a hand still on Joan’s shoulder which she looked at for a second. "Talk to me Joan. I feel like you’ve always been in my life somehow, even though I never met you. I want to know why that is", Grace explained desperately, her grip tightening slightly then taking her hand off completely when she realised Joan probably didn’t appreciate it. 

She couldn’t destroy the image of all the flowers on Vera’s grave, the notes, the picture of her and Grace. The family Joan could’ve been a part of. Grace looked and sounded so much Vera, it struck a pain in her chest when she thought about it, loving Grace so much but just seeing Vera... 

Joan finally found the strength to speak to Grace as she deserved to know everything. She couldn’t take anything away from her, she had already taken enough. 

"I left her". Joan said matter of factly. She turned away, not giving Grace the option to see her regretful face though it reflected in the light anyway. Grace’s expression was puzzled. "Why?" She asked, feeling sad that it had probably ended badly. "It was for her own good", Joan replied, looking over to the fish to help calm her a little. 

She turned back to Grace, her eyes glassy, crystal almost as she took Grace’s hand. "It’s not true what you’ve heard about me... I loved both you and your mother dearly. I kept a careful eye on both of you, all of these years while making a new start for myself. What me and Vera had was profound but extremely intense. We were both guilty of hurting one another, one of us had to let go. I always thought it would be her but she persisted with me. She didn’t... deserve that. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And losing you". She stared into Grace, trying to read her and Grace shook her head, stroking the tear that had finally rolled down her cheek. "You didn’t lose me. I’m here now. And you didn’t lose mum either. She was never happy, god she tried her best to convince me she was but I knew. I think part of her was always waiting for you to come back. And I think that if she was still with us, she would still be always waiting for you". She gulped that last part, seeing Joan almost crumble in front of her.

Joan could nearly feel herself bask in the sunlight again that shone through the blinds of her and Vera’s bedroom that day twenty years ago. Vera had her arms clumsily round Joan as usual, though Joan was stiff. She had thought all night about how she was going to do it. All this time she couldn’t bear to... but if she wanted Vera and Grace to be happy then this is what she had to do. 

Vera had screamed and cried, throwing her fists at Joan then hugging her tight, refusing to let her just leave like that. Joan cupped her face with both hands, kissed her for the last time and told Vera to let her be. 

She had no idea that they would never truly be happy. 

And that is what broke her the most. Except for piece of her that disintegrated a little more each time she thought about the very, very last time she had seen Vera.


	3. Chapter three

Joan would never forget Vera’s excited eyes meeting hers as she made her way out of the prison and threw her arms round Joan, digging her face into her shoulder as they stood in the middle of the car park. Joan hugged Vera tight, stepping back at the slight weight falling into her more and more. The feel and taste of Vera’s lips on hers never felt so good now that they were both free to love each other the way they were always meant to. "Let’s get you home", Vera whispered with a smile, igniting Joan’s excitement even more. 

A few weeks had passed and Grace had invited Joan, Will and Jake for dinner. They had all declined at first, Jake being the most adamant that it wasn’t going to happen but they had all come to the realisation that they should put their past behind them for Grace. 

"Dad, please behave yourself tonight", Grace pulled on a jumper over her T-shirt and Jake sighed as he downed a bit of his beer. "Hope you told Ferguson the same thing", he said, not maliciously but definitely with a twinge of resentment. Grace ignored him and went to answer the door when there was a knock. She smiled immediately when she saw Will. "Hey!" She laughed as he picked her up and spun her round. "Will stop it, I’m too big for this now!" She kept laughing as he brought her back down. "Nah still little", he grinned. 

"Jakey!" Will came in and Grace closed the door. "Starting on the beer already?" Jake smirked and nodded. "Need it seeing as Ferguson’s coming back from the dead again". There was a small silence and then Grace sighed. "Her name is Joan", she reminded him. "Yeah. Well she better not start any shit". He replied, drinking some more. Will sat down beside him and opened a beer himself. "Ah let it go mate. I did", Will said. Grace smiled at him and joined them both. 

A shade not too far from Joan’s natural lip colour but enough to make a difference began to bring a little bit of life back into her face. It wasn’t that she was worried about the reunion with Will and Jake but they didn’t want to give them any extra excuses for being cold with her. Not that she knew how she would react when seeing them again. 

She finished up and went over to Grace’s place which used to be hers and Vera’s. She looked through the glass on the door and breathed anxiously before knocking. It wasn’t long before Grace answered, looking cheerful as usual. 

They went inside and Joan was tongue tied as she locked eyes with Will and saw Jake eyeing her suspiciously. Nothing much at all had changed. 

"Sit down, make yourself at home", Grace encouraged Joan. The staring continued and Joan felt a sense of familiarity as she slowly sat, her posture straight as ever. The house had changed, Vera had obviously decorated since Joan had left but it still felt like... home. 

"Food will be ready soon, I’ll go and check it", Grace said quickly, going into the kitchen. Joan could feel Jake tearing into her and found herself looking at Will for support.   
"Um, how are you doing?" He asked. Jake rolled his eyes as if wanting no part in the conversation, opening another beer and drinking it. Joan shifted uncomfortably then returned to Will’s attention. "I’m well, thank you. I-it was nice of Grace to invite us all. I know how much she cares about you both I just -" before she could say anything else, feeling herself slip up with her words, Jake slammed his beer down on the table. "Cut the bullshit, Joan", he snapped. Silence overcame them again. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He broke it quickly, spreading out his arms.   
"Grace asked me to come", Joan blinked, looking confused which made Jake laugh frustratedly, turning away then looking back. "I mean what are you doing back in our lives? You think you can just leave Vera all those years ago and then come crawling back now that she’s dead, what do you want?" He asked, his voice raised. 

Grace stepped into the living room, hearing Jake. "Dad, stop.." she pleaded with her eyes and he ignored her, shaking his head. "No, fuck it! I was so glad when you left. Vera might have been sucked in, hell even Will was sucked in in the end but I always knew you were poison. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had something to do with Vera’s death, some sort of twisted revenge!" 

Joan flinched at his words, starting to fidget with her hands a little. He left her feeling more empty than anything. Grace was stood shocked and hurt, Will put his hand on Jake’s shoulder. "Mate you need to calm down", he spoke. Jake slapped his hand away. "I can’t do this, i’m going for a smoke", Jake declared and walked out. 

The three of them watched him go and then Grace looked between them both, mostly at Joan. "I am so so sorry about him..." she said. Joan shook her head, holding up a hand. "It’s okay, it’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have barged in like this", she sighed, knowing that Will and Jake were Grace’s real family. Joan stood up. "Thank you Grace. And it was nice to see you again, Will. Despite our differences, I appreciate what you did for me all those years ago... you giving me and Vera your blessing, I’ll never forget it". She said honestly. Will nodded and Joan smiled sadly at them both before going for the door. Grace followed her out. 

The night air hit Joan and she shivered a little as she turned and saw Grace standing on the step.   
"Joan, stay. You didn’t do anything wrong, it was all dad. Please come back", she tried her best but Joan shook her head softly. "I’ll text you or something. Goodnight Grace", she smiled, turning back round to go. "Night Joan", Grace answered and then watched her walk away. 

Vera had tried so hard to make this a home for her and Joan once she got out and Joan noticed as she looked around for the first time.   
"It’s wonderful", she beamed, walking through the living room, inspecting everything. Vera watched Joan make her way back to her and reached up to kiss her. "It’s our home", she beamed back. 

Joan remembered how Vera had put her hands in hers and kissed her some more. She had hardly finished unpacking, not that she had much, before they were cuddled up in bed together, talking, touching, just being in the moment instead of waiting for the future to come.

Suddenly she was here with her hands on the wheel of her car, the coolness gripping her fingers and a blank stare that could not be broken. She was here again, it always came down to her and the car and the road. And Vera.


	4. Chapter 4

"My beautiful girl", Joan cooed. Baby Grace gurgled, looked up at Joan with her big eyes and grabbed a strand of her hair. Joan took her finger and that’s when Vera came in and stood by the door for a second before coming in. "Think it’s time for a feed", she smiled, though she didn’t want to separate the two of them. Joan tapped Grace’s little nose softly, "You hungry? Hm?" She kissed her forehead and then carefully handed her over to Vera. 

Grace came over now with the coffee, snapping Joan out of her daydream. "Oh sorry, I was miles away", Joan took the coffee and Grace sat on the chair with a grin. "I noticed", she began to be concerned again when Joan looked distant, warming her palms on the mug. "Are you okay?" Grace asked. Joan nodded and then looked back to Grace. "Are you? Each time I see you, you seem so... bright. How are you coping?" Joan asked her. Grace shrugged with a sigh. "I’m not. I really miss her". 

Joan saw the pain in Grace’s face that was finally starting to pour out and she brought her arms around her, allowing herself to be as close to her as possible. Grace began to cry and Joan stroked her hair gently. "Shh darling. It’s alright", she tried to comfort her. "I miss her... so much", Joan admitted and kissed Grace’s cheek as Grace held onto Joan, shaking her head. "What kind of person hits someone with their car... and leaves them to die in the middle of the road, in the rain, all alone..." 

"I love you Gracie", Joan whispered with tears in her eyes. As usual, baby Grace made some funny noise, giving Joan that look that Joan could hardly part with. But she had to. She kissed her forehead one last time, lifted the blanket up a tiny bit and made sure Grace was snuggled up with her favourite teddy. "Goodbye sweet girl", she wiped her own face and took a deep breath before quietly leaving the room, Grace being unaware and falling asleep instantly. 

Joan sighed to Grace’s question and shook her head back, she felt inflicted. "I... I don’t know", she replied. 

Dusk had settled but raindrops fell upon Joan’s car window as she drove through Melbourne. She squinted her eyes as they fell harder, bits of snow and hale flying at her. Keeping steady, she slowed down a little and tried to make out the road ahead of her. Then there was the screech of the brakes she put her foot down on in a fit of panic, the gaping of her mouth, her pupils dilating and the silhouette which threw itself at the front of the car... 

Joan broke away from the hug. "Grace... I need to tell you something. And I need you to promise that I never meant for it to happen, I never would..." Grace saw nothing but a lost hope in Joan’s eyes as she more or less begged her to understand whatever she was about to say. "You can tell me anything". Grace reassured her, stroking the hand Joan had placed on hers. 

It started to feel chilly, much like the night Grace got the call and headed out into the dark, the snowfall being her only guide, her boots smashing into each puddle like drums as she ran. Jake was already there at Vera’s body, police milled about and allowed her to go to her. 

Jake almost looked lifeless himself as Grace kneeled down, putting her face to Vera’s and kissing her cheeks, tears rolling down her own and holding her tight. "Mum, it’s me, can you hear me?" Jake looked at Grace. "Grace..." his expression became knowing and he wrapped his arms round Grace comfortingly as she sobbed into Vera, refusing to let her go. 

Joan cleared her throat a little, suddenly not knowing how to say it. Knowing that this would be the end of her and Grace’s friendship...

"I killed her. I killed Vera. I killed your mother".


	5. Chapter 5

Grace loosened her hand under Joan’s and then let go of it completely, feeling a blow to her chest. She was startled, her body went cold. "What?" She asked in disbelief, though deep down she knew that Joan wouldn’t lie, especially about this. Her features became angrier, her frown making Joan anxious and lost for words. 

"Grace, you have to understand that it was an accident-" she started but Grace stood up to move away and cut her off. "You lied to me!" She cried, beginning to pace around a little, trying to piece it all together. Joan shook her head desperately, "No, no, I didn’t lie I was just afraid to tell you, I didn’t want anything to affect what we have but I couldn’t keep it from you, I could see how much it was hurting you", Joan tried to explain. Grace took a step forward. "We don’t have anything, you... you hit her with your car and then tried to have some sort of bond with me, knowing that you are the reason she is dead, that is so fucked up!" Her voice got louder, she was screaming at Joan who listened to what she said but appeared so vacant.   
"I made an effort to know you, I thought I understood you better than dad because for some reason mum loved you. I stood up for you the other night, comforted you, let you comfort me just now and you know what, dad was probably right. You’re a fucking murderer and you did the right thing by leaving mum unless you just didn’t care!" Grace lost her breath and heaved in and out, trying to catch it again. 

Joan stood up and knew there was no fixing things but she wouldn’t give in easily. "I did. I did care. I do care". She tried to take Grace’s hands again but failed when Grace pushed her away. "Get away from me, get out of my house!" She yelled. Joan stayed put for a second, wanting to take Grace in one last time in case this was it. 

"You should remember that you’re the one who came looking for me. It wasn’t the other way around. You are right, I did want to spend time with you, I care for you so deeply", she took another step forward, trying to make it clear to Grace that she was sincere. "Grace... I am so, so so sorry. I know that nothing I do can make it up but please just... listen to me". 

Grace shook her head, trying not to let Joan see that she was crying because she wanted to keep the upper hand. "Leave me alone!", she couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. Her mother’s murderer. 

The night of Vera’s death, Joan didn’t stop driving til she got home, calmly going inside, closing the door and being as quiet as possible. Her hands found their way to her face as she hid. She had promised herself no more yet she had hurt - possibly killed this person and she didn’t even know who it was. "Breathe Joan", she told herself, releasing herself from her own clutch and placing her hands upon her thighs. "You don’t know who they are, they don’t matter and they don’t know you did it", she continued to encourage herself to stop acting so weak.

Joan forced herself to recover from the night before. She made herself comfy, switching on her phone and scrolled through for a while before her curiosity got the better of her. She searched for Grace’s name as she did every so often and looked at what she had been posting. Her last post made Joan’s breathing stop. 

Accepting that Grace couldn’t face her now, Joan decided to leave her be. "You know where to find me. I -" Joan wanted to say I love you but she thought it best not to push it. She lowered her arm after she had previously reached out for Grace. Grace shuddered as she felt the slight breeze leave Joan and enter her instead when Joan walked out. 

Silence. 

Once Joan got home, she ferociously began to cry and threw the car keys down. She buried her head in her hands in a similar way to how she reacted when she found out about Vera, feeling her lungs blow up with anger at herself. She received thoughts at a rapid pace, she couldn’t think of a way she could cope with it any longer and hit her own head in regret, letting out loud sobs.

She had lost her mother, she had lost Jianna, she had lost Vera and she had lost Grace. 

"I’m so sorry", her voice shook unsteadily, she was sat in a hunch on the floor now. She wrapped her arms round her legs and leant her face on the tops of her knees though it brought her no comfort. 

"I’m so sorry Vera. I’m sorry Grace, please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. I didn’t mean it, please don’t leave me..."

Grace just stood for a while, analysing the whole situation, though it was hard for her to think that anything Joan told her was true. Her mum wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for her... yet she would never have been truly loved except for by Grace if it wasn’t for Joan... 

She finally brought herself to move. Feeling the thud underneath her as she walked, she went over to the phone and picked it up. She typed the number then put the phone to her ear. "Police please".


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING // Attempted rape & assault 
> 
> This chapter isn’t THAT heavy but if you feel uncomfortable with this subject please do not feel pressured to read. 
> 
> Also sorry that my writing isn’t the best here, I wanted to write it but my brain is also dead lmao hope you enjoy anyway :)

TRIGGER WARNING // attempted rape & assault 

In case you didn’t read the summary (I know I don’t a lot of the time) 

A couple of weeks later Joan headed out and walked down the street. She wrapped her arms around her own body a little, as if protecting herself. She had spiralled, she looked dishevelled as her head was bare and her face emotionless though she couldn’t face the house for one more second and appeared like a shadow in the evening moonlight. 

For the first time in days she felt her pulse quicken when she noticed Grace being cornered into a wall by a group of strange looking men. She briskly made her way over to them. 

"Get off!" Grace shouted at them but they pinned her up against the wall, grabbing at her bag and clothes. "Don’t worry princess we don’t bite. We’ll make you feel real nice", one of them said into her ear, getting dangerously close. Grace tried to struggle but she was tiny compared to them. She lashed out and the biggest one slapped her across the face, "try that again and we really will get nasty!" 

Grace’s eyes wandered to the right as she suddenly saw Joan running up to them. Once Joan had approached them, she didn’t say anything. She barged through the crowd, pushing the men into the wall on the opposite side of the alley and took the one who was closest to Grace by the collar. "Touch her again and I will fuck with you in ways you don’t even want to know about", she said menacingly, looking him straight in the eye. He had been smirking but he soon felt nervous when she gripped him harder. "Alright, fuck!" He gasped for air and she dropped him down onto the floor. "Get out of here", she hissed and they scarpered. 

Joan watched them go and then turned to Grace, holding out her arms. Grace found herself bursting into tears and falling into Joan, clutching her tight. She wasn’t even thinking, she was petrified and shaking all over as the tears soaked Joan’s shoulder. "Shhh", Joan held her close and stroked her hair gently as if she was a child. She was hardly thinking either - all she cared about was making sure that Grace was safe. 

"Let’s get you home", Grace was still latched onto Joan but Joan could feel Grace shivering on her. Grace broke away slightly and she wiped her face with the back of her hand. "I was supposed to be meeting friends", she answered, still crying. Joan rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. "I’m sure they will understand if you text them and tell them what happened", Joan reassured her. Grace nodded. "You’re right, I don’t really feel like it... god I’m being so stupid, they hardly even did anything", she laughed a little but still held fear in her eyes as she looked away a little. "Hey, don’t ever feel stupid. What happened to you, happened to you. You have no reason to feel stupid and those... delinquents will get everything they asked for", Joan told her. Grace nodded and Joan put her arm around her as they began to walk slowly. 

They got to Grace’s house and Joan sat her down on the sofa. "I’ll get you some ice for your face, just get comfy, okay?" She rushed over to the kitchen and went to find something from the freezer to put on her face. Grace sat back and looked up at the ceiling when Joan came back with an ice pack and softly put it in Grace’s cheek. Grace smiled a little, remembering how Vera always had spare ice packs for when Grace fell or tried to climb trees. Even at twenty Vera still had the ice packs and first aid on hand. 

"Just hold it there for a while, hopefully it will settle down", Joan said, referring to the burning sensation. "Do you need anything else, a drink, something to eat?" She asked and Grace shook her head. "No thanks... I just want to go to sleep really. I want to forget all about it", she admitted and Joan looked at her as if she understood. "I um... I can leave if you want and you can get some rest. Not that I want to bring it up now but we didn’t exactly end things on good terms the last time we saw each other..." Joan wasn’t too sure what else to say. Grace wasn’t either and looked down. "Would you mind staying? I don’t know if I’d feel safe on my own", she then looked at her with hopeful eyes. Joan nodded immediately, trying not to smile because now wasn’t the time but she was so glad that Grace still trusted her somehow. Grace laid down on the sofa. "I’m just gonna sleep here", she mumbled into the cushion. Joan found a blanket and put it over Grace. She took Grace’s hand for a minute, feeling the warmness of her own rushing through the ice cold of Grace’s. "I’ll be right here." Joan spoke softly and Grace’s eyes closed, flickered open to look at her and then closed again.


	7. Chapter 7

A few hours later Grace slowly woke up and looked around. Joan wasn’t there but then Grace saw her laid on the smaller sofa even though she was way too long for it. She looked cosy enough anyway, huddled up in a little ball. However, there was a tiny crease on her forehead where she was frowning in her sleep. 

Grace sat up and sighed, running a hand through her thick brown hair. She had soon recovered from being groggy from sleep and began to think more clearly. She wondered why the hell she had let Joan back into her house, into her life. Joan’s frown disappeared, she looked so peaceful now and Grace gave in slightly. 

"What are you dreaming about?" Grace thought. She then got up and quietly went to go upstairs but she rolled her eyes when she accidentally knocked over an ornament. She glanced over at Joan who began to stir. 

"Sorry", Grace apologised for waking her up. Joan sat up sleepily and brushed her hair from her face. "It’s okay. What are you doing, are you alright?" She asked though she didn’t appear very alert. "I’m fine, was just going to change into some pyjamas or something", she replied and tilted her head at Joan. "Enjoy your sleep? You looked very comfy there", Grace smiled. Joan smiled back and yawned. "I haven’t been sleeping well. I suppose my body just took its opportunity and... fell asleep", she grinned up at Grace. Grace nodded. "I’ll be back in a minute", she said before going upstairs. 

While she was gone, Joan took in her surroundings. She had sort of tried to ignore them but now she couldn’t stop thinking back to when she was here before. She stood up and trailed her fingers upon everything and then sighed, realising that she didn’t belong here. 

Grace came back down to see Joan putting on her coat, looking ready to leave. "Are you leaving?" Grace asked. She knew that she shouldn’t but she sort of didn’t want Joan to go. Joan had saved her back there, she couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if Joan hadn’t been there and Joan looked lost standing there, as if she had nowhere to go. A huge part of Grace still cared for Joan, despite what she had done. Perhaps she had been telling the truth about it being an accident. 

"I think that would be for the best", Joan said downheartedly. Grace walked forwards, shaking her head and put her hand on Joan’s arm. "Please stay. It’s really late and I could use some company", Grace locked eyes with her. Joan could’ve cried. Was Grace forgiving her? 

Joan bit her lip unsurely and then sighed. "Then we need to talk", Joan said and Grace nodded. "Yes... yes we should", Grace agreed. Joan took her coat off again but stayed stood up while Grace sat down. 

"I called the police. But I hung up", Grace confessed, looking down at her hands. "Why?" Joan asked, feeling a little relieved but despaired at the knowing that Grace would do that. Not that she blamed her come to think of it. "Why did you hang up?" 

"Honestly... I don’t know". There was a silence as the two of them now avoided eye contact. 

"I, um..." Joan started but couldn’t quite get the words out. "I was driving home. It was dark, it started to rain and to tell the truth, I wasn’t in the right head space mentally to be driving, especially for so long. I couldn’t see and suddenly I saw... I saw someone and I tried to stop..." Joan’s voice became weak as she kept her mouth open a little, finding it hard to breathe. Grace stood up and motioned her hand up and down Joan’s back to hopefully settle her down. She led her to the sofa and sat down with her. "When I found out it was Vera, I... I can’t describe to you the feeling. I can’t fathom it, I certainly can’t excuse myself for what I did..." 

Grace sighed and intertwined their fingers. Joan looked down at them, feeling a small hint of hope that her and Grace might be okay. She felt herself resting her head against Grace’s shoulder as Grace put her arm around Joan. "I’m so sorry Grace..." Joan whispered and Grace sighed again, closing her eyes and then looking ahead of her. "Okay".


End file.
